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Roseanne Goes to Disney World
(Some Jerk with a Camera and a man, played by Charlie Calahan/Spazz Master, are riding on Mickey's Fun Wheel, which is still stuck) Jerk: And that's how I legally sold my grandmother on eBay. (Looks outside) Hm. We appear to still be stuck up here. Say, did I ever tell you about the time when I told you about the time Roseanne brought her horrible family to Disney World? Man: (Sounding annoyed) Can we please just talk about something else?!?! Jerk: I first released that video September 6th, 2013. (Cut to the original episode. We see a caption that says "Previously, on Breakfast with Conspiracy Guy") Jerk (vo): Previously, on Breakfast with Conspiracy Guy... (We see a Conspiracy Guy, also played by Charlie Callahan, in a kitchen looking at an empty cereal box of Urkel-Os) Conspiracy Guy: I'm out of Urkel-Os. (The next captions are shown) Jerk (vo): And now, ladies and gentlemen, BLUES TRAVELER!! (The opening logo of Roseanne is shown and theme plays, before showing clips from the show) Jerk (vo): Ah, Roseanne, the watershed, critically acclaimed, Emmy Award-winning, #1-rated program that finally brought the real face of working class America to prime time, and confirmed my long-held suspicion that certifiably crazy people always create the best TV. Jerk: (Beat) Sometimes. (Cut to a clip of Roseanne's TV talk show, with Roseanne talking with Weird Al Yankovic) Roseanne Barr: I'll tell you this one day when I was six, and I was crossing the street to go to the school, and, of course, I had on this dress that I sold in Home Ec. Weird Al Yankovic (chuckles): Oh, well... Roseanne Barr: (Interrupts, continues her story} And so, I stepped off the curb, and this lady in a car runs me over and, um, drags me 30 feet by the legs, and the hood ornament goes in my head, and I'm, like, unconscious for about six months...(Weird Al is trying to smile and not go "wtf") do you want to have sex with me? (Footage of Roseanne's Disney World episode is shown) Jerk (vo): As you may have guessed, Disney was a little reluctant to condone product placement in this lunatic, cynical, twisted sitcom. Roseanne Conner: This better be good, 'cause they're showing that Full House where they think one of those little twins is dying. Jerk (vo): And not just because they had recurring nightmares of her destroying animation by voicing a cow. (Footage of Roseanne being interviewed for Home on the Range is shown) Roseanne Barr: It's not something anyone would like. Jerk (vo): In fact, Roseanne's Disney World episode only came about when the show's producers saw the other two shows and said, "Fuck it. We want a free trip, too." (Footage of the commentary for the episode is shown) Roseanne Barr: We had to beg, like, we're getting free stuff now. Jerk: That is the closest thing to artistic integrity we're gonna see on this network. (Sighs) Savor it. (After a beat, he gets angry as the screen turns red and zooms in, while a part of the theme song to "Ironside" plays, a la "Kill Bill") SAVOR IT! Jerk (v/o): And apparently, Disney was right to be worried. Because, Roseanne and her staff were so creeped out by the Disney World, they devoted the very next episode to satorizing it mercilessly. (Cut back to the Rosanne Commentary) Roseanne Barr: This was right after went to Disney World...and we came back and we're like, "We've got to say something." Roseanne/Jerk: (Chanting with his arms in the air) WE WANT A FREE TRIP! WE WANT A FREE TRIP! WE WANT A...(Cut to black with the caption "One free trip later...") HOW DARE YOU GIVE US A FREE TRIP, YOU MONSTERS! Well, we are never ever working for you incorporated monsters again, right Dan (Played by John Goodman)? (When he doesn't respond) Dan? Da...(Notices offscreen) Ooh, a cow with attitude! Jerk (v/o): Don't get me wrong, I love the "Edelweiss Gardens" episode and trust me, they'll be more on that later. But 1st, I gotta tackle this alleged "Disney World" place. (Cut to Jerk, in front of the "Mike and Sully to the Rescue" Ride) Jerk: People tend to forget just how un-family-friendly "Roseanne" was considered at the time and yet she got a Disney World episode. Because, even...no, especially the world's most selfish, despicable, backstabbing, monsters still deserve to wait in line for Big Thunder Mountain right in front of you! Darlene Conner: Yet another federal offense I've witnessed in this house. Jerk: I mean, if you sent that kind of show to Disney World today... (Jerk slightly cringes. Cut to the opening credits and theme for "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," but the episode it titled "The Gang Accidentally Burns Down EPCOT" and the show titled "It's Always Sunny in Lake Buena Vista." Cut back to Jerk) But, how would the Conner Family fit in at Disney World? More importantly, how do I fit in to reviewing the Conners at Disney World? Jerk (v/o): Even before they made fun of the place, their actual Disney World 2-parter was still chock full of dark jokes, cruel jokes, satirical jokes, absurdist jokes, even 4th wall meta jokes. (Cut to the beginning of the episode) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Role of Becky (Conner-Healy), originally played by Lecy Goranson then Sarah Chalk then Lecy Goranson, will be played this evening by Sarah Chalk. (Laugh track) The taking of flash photographs or recording devices is strictly prohibited. Jerk: How do I compete with that? All I have left to offer are movie clips and pointing out inaccuracies. Sometimes, both at once. Jackie Harris (Roseanne's sister: I was reading about this. You know, this all used to be orange groves. (Cut to a clip from "Chasing Amy) Banky Edwards: Wrong coast. Jackie: But, that's not what one, Mr. Walt Disney, saw. He saw that lake, he saw that castle! Jerk: He mostly saw a giant unfeasible city of the future that never happened before he dropped dead. But on the other hand, movie clip! (Cut to a clip from "The Big Lebowski") Jeff 'The Dude" Lebowski: You're not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole. Walter Sobchak: Ok then. Jerk: They (The Conners) get to Disney World cause "Walter Sobchak" (Dan Conners) here quits his job and gets a big old pension check! Dan Conners: (To Roseanne) I say we pay half the bills and split the rest between an aggressive money market and a conservative mutual fund. (He and Roseanne then laugh at that idea. We then cut to a plain headed to Florida) Jerk (v/o): See, you barely even needed me for that! Roseanne: I'll give 2 hints, Florida and "The Happiest Place On Earth!" (Cut to a clip from "Argo.") John Chambers: Universal City? Roseanne: No, you idiot! Jerk: Actually, "Roseanne's" Disney World 2-parter is really more like a Disney World 1-parter, because they don'y even get there until part 2. Part 1 is spent planning the trip and flying there. Jackie: Big trouble, I've been going over "The Diner's" schedule, there's no way we can get out of our shifts. Leon can't work extra hours and Nancy's taking off. There's nothing we can do! (Cut to Jerk, standing in front of "Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin.") Jerk: Oh come on, Andy's Mom, just get Andy's Dad. How hard can it be to bust him out of Git-mo? * Laurie Metcalf who plays Jackie Harris also voiced Andy's mom in the Toy Story Trilogy. Jerk (v/o): Finally, in part 2, they arrive at their luxurious soundsta- I mean, hotel room. Mark Healy (Roseanne's son-in-law): (to D.J. Conner) I bet you can't guess where the TV is, huh, huh? It's in the dresser, man! Jerk (v/o): Conveniently located off to the side of bed! Neck re-alignment, $600. Roseanne: (To her family) It's Mickey Mouse! (Her family runs out of the hotel room, she then closes the door, now finally alone. The studio audience applauds her.) Jerk: Sorry, Rosie, but apparently on this network, the characters are at the hotels. (Realizes and says to himself) Referencing other shows, that's a 3rd thin I can do. Jerk (v/o): The next morning, the family indulges themselves on overpriced mousy foodstuffs. Mark: Man, steak for breakfast. I feel like Merv Griffin (Cut to Jerk at a restaurant booth, a steak meal in front of him) Jerk: Dead! (He then clutches his heart and keels over. Cut to the Conners at the front entrance.) Roseanne Conner: Ok, we're going to be here for 4 days. So remember, we don't have to get out there and see everything at once. Dan: Yeah, let's pace ourselves, just take it real (The rope holding back the guest fro entering is cut and the Conners run in) easy! (As they run, audio from "Barton Fink" and "When you wish upon a star." plays.) Charlie Meadows (v/o): I'LL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND! I'LL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND! I WILL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND! Jerk: It's funny, cause John Goodman has had a long, respectable film career! You guys are gonna love my "King Ralph" jokes! Dan: Alright, I'll go where ever, as long as I get my sandwich and my beer at lunch. Jackie: They don't serve beer in the Magic Kingdom, Dan. They do at EPCOT. (Dan hearing this, he looks face.) Roseanne: Go. (Dan happy to hear this, runs in the other direction they came from. "When you wish upon a star" plays again) Dan/Jerk (v/o): I'LL SHOW YOU THE DEATH OF THE LIVER! I'LL SHOW YOU THE DEATH OF THE LIVER! I WILL SHOW YOU THE (Starts to run out of breath) death of the. (We hear him pass out offscreen.) Jerk (v/o) Actually, for the DVD release of this season, they couldn't afford "When you wish upon a star." So instead, they used the most obvious replacement: "The 1812 Overture." Jerk: (Singing to "When you wish upon a star.") When you wish upon a star, we'll (The music changes to the "The 1812 Overture. We quickly pan out to see he's standing over a prop canon) KILL YOU IN THE FACE WITH A CANON! (Dan runs into EPCOT, see a line of people by a fence near Spaceship Earth.) Dan: (Out of breath to a nearby woman) Is this the beer line? Woman: Oh no, we're just looking at Spaceship Earth. (Cut to Jerk in front of Spaceship Earth.) Woman/Jerk: it's amazing! Isn't it amazing? I could just stand here and look at Spaceship Earth all day! The way it just sits there like that, completely unmoving...wait, did it just move? No, it did't just move. IT DIDN'T JUST MOVE, IT'S OK! You know, I think I'll stand here for the next 30 years, just looking (Notices) where'd my kids go? Jerk (v/o): Finally, Dan locates the other half of EPCOT and embarks on a pub crawl to "The World's Showcases End." Waiter: (British accent) What's your pleasure on this fine, spring morning? Dan: (Surprised by the accent) That was Shakespeare, wasn't it? (Cut to a clip from "King Ralph") Ralph/Jerk (v/o): Hi, my name's Ralph and I'm the king! Jerk: See, told you! Dan: Give me your best British ale, please! Waiter: Right then, is that a half pint, pint, or yard? Dan: What's a yard? Waiter: (Points to a big, long glass of ale with a round bottom, 1 yard long, being served to another customer) That's one, right there. (Cut to a clip from "Clerks: The Animated Series") Jay: Now, that's the ugliest damn bong I've ever seen! Jerk (v/o): Believe it or not, this episode does not end with Dan drunkenly crashing a monorail into the France pavilion. In fact, we don't get much plot at all in this episode, more just a series of gags. hey, fine by me. Dan: (After hearing a Moroccan band) Yeah man, you guys put the "rock" in "Morocco!" Jerk: (Points to the Germany pavilion) Ironically, these guys have taken "many" out of "Germany," it's just "Ger" now. Dan: So this is "Ger (Cut off)," this is incredible. (Dan is then dubbed over by Walter Sobchak) Dan/Walter: See what happens when you find a stranger in the alps?!?! Dan: (To a Bartender) So, where's that Sergeant Schultz, huh? (Cut to a clip from "Django Unchained") Dr. King Schultz: (while pouring beer) These days, I practice a new profession, bounty hunting. Announcer: We apologize for cutting to such a painfully obvious movie clip, and instead cut to a this totally different movie clip. (We rewind back to the scene with Dan.) Dan: So, where's that Sergeant Schultz, huh? (Cut back to the clip from "Django Unchained") Dr. Schultz: These days, I practice a new profession... Announcer: No, I said a DIFFERENT movie clip. Like...I, I dunno, maybe Charles Durning yelling "Schultz" in To Be Or Not To Be or som-- (Cut to "Django Unchained," Dr. Schultz pulls out a hidden gun) wait, what are doing? Wha--what are you doing? (Dr. Schults fires as we cut to "To Be Or Not To Be," S.S. Colonel Erhardt now has a gun shot in his chest.) S.S. Colonel Erhardt: (Yells) SCHULTZ! (Cut to a clip from "The Big Lebowski") Walter: Fucking Nazis! (Cut to a clip from "King Ralph") Ralph/Jerk: Seriously, I'm the king and my name's Ralph! Jerk: (Smiling) Cracks me right up every time! (Chuckles) "Ralph!" (Chuckles) Jerk (v/o): Meanwhile, Roseanne's mother is stuck looking after the babies. Beverly Harris: (After giving the babies Mickey Mouse hats while wearing a Minnie Mouse hat herself.) Oh, look as us! Oh, look at us! We're like the 3 Mouseketeers! (Laugh track) Well, I guess I'm the only one with the stuff to be Annette. Jerk: Yeah, you do seem the most likely to die in a coma. (A hand punches him from offscreen) Fair enough! * Annette Funicello was a Mouseketeer on the original "Mickey Mouse Club" in the 50s. She died in a few before months before the original release of this episode. Beverly: (Singing to the babies) Zip-a-dee-doo-da (Laugh track) Zip-a-dee-a (Other kids notice and start to gather around her) My oh my, what a wonderful day! (Cut to Jerk in front of Splash Mountain) Jerk: That's right kids, when you sing that song in this park, dozens of children materialize. Now, stop asking me where they come from! (Cut back to that sing) Kid 1 (v/o): Are parents abandoned us! Kid 2 (v/o): Are we adopted yet? Kid 3 (v/o): Are you a ride? Jerk (v/o): Yes, everyone seems to be having fun, except Darlene, who seems incapable of fun and doesn't want anyone else to have it either Darlene: (To her brother DJ and her Boyfriend David Healy, Mark's brother) No, no more rides! David Healy: You know, DJ, I think it would be fun to just spend the rest of the day with Darlene, just sitting. Darlene: You're not just gonna be sitting David. I mean, in a minute I'm gonna have you fetch me a Coke. David/Jerk (v/o): I'm back with your Coke! (throws the contents at Darlene, who is dubbed over by the Wicked Witch of the West from the 1939 "Wizard Of Oz." David/Jerk looks pleased with himself.) Darlene/Witch: AH! I'M MELTING! MELTING! OH, WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD! Jerk (v/o): But, that all changes when she's suddenly reminded of a forbidden love. Darlene: (Hugs Winnie The Pooh, who was greeting guests) I'm hugging you. I'M HUGGING WINNIE THE POOH! Jerk: (Drum roll heard in the background) And now, the time has come to play everyone's 2nd favorite game show: "What Does This Look Like?" (Game Show music plays and Jerk dances along to it.) Blah, blah, blah, introduction, introduction, contestants: Rosenhacker (He waves), Mikey Insanity (He waves), Begin! (We then cut to the rest of Darlene hugging Winnie the Pooh, they both jump a bunch as they hug each other. The Skyway and Dumbo ride are also behind them) Rosenhacker, what does this look like? Rosenhacker: (Strokes his chin) Hmm, I'd say it looks like Dumbo the Flying Elephant has broken down. Jerk: 'Dumbo the Flying Elephant has broken down,' very observant answer. Mikey, what do you think this looks like? Mikey Insanity: It looks like a better time, when the Skyway was working. Jerk: 'A better time when the Skyway was working,' both excellent answers (Beat) and both correct! (Game Show music plays again) It looks exactly like the Skyway is working and Dumbo isn't! (Cut to Rosenhacker and Mikey Insanity hugging similarly to Darlene and Pooh) Join us next week, as we continue to scour the images of the world to conclusively determine: All 3: "What Does This Look Like?" (Jerk extends the last word, when it looks like he's not stopping, Rosenhacker sneaks away and Mikey takes Jerk's wallet, then sneaks away. In the original blip.com cut of the episode, this moment is where they would then cut to a commercial break. When they came back from commercial, Jerk would still be stuck on that word. After a few seconds, he's hit with a cartoon shovel and the scene transitions back to the "Roseanne" episode) Jerk: (v/o) Oh, that's better. Then they ride Big Thunder Mountain, see the fireworks at EPCOT and...that's it. No, I'm serious, that's it. No bullshit drama, no dumb heartwarming messages, except: 'when in Disney World, stop being a a joyless hater and have some goddamn fun!," just a nice, fun, occasionally inexplicable family trip to Walt Disney World. Followed next episode by an even inexplicable-er trip to not Disney World, when Leonard Hof-flannel (David) here gets a job at the strikingly familiar "Edelweiss Gardens." * David Healy's actor, Johnny Galecki, Is the also know for playing Leonard Hofstadter on "Big Bang Theory." In fact, Sara Gilbert and Laurie Metcalf who play Darlene and Jackie on "Roseanne," are also recurring guests on "The Big Bang Theory" and that show's creator, Chuck Lore, was an executive producer on "Roseanne." (Cut to Roseanne, Dan, and Jackie visiting the dorm for the "Edelweiss Gardens" staff") Dan: (Finds a picture on the dorm room wall) Hey look, it's the guy who founded the joint. Jackie: I heard he had himself frozen after he died. (Cut to later when David visits Roseanne, with combed hair and wearing the park's uniform.) David: At "Edelweiss," we're supposed to be nice all the time. (Cut to the end of the episode, where Roseanne stands up for David.) Roseanne; $5 to park, $30 to get in, and $5 tasteless, bunny shaped hamburgers! (A caption reads: "WDW admission at the time: $38.50 (A 4-day Pass: $144)") Jerk: (Southern accent) Ma'am, I'm afraid that was no burger. That was a real life bunny rabbit that you saw fit to decapitate with your bare teeth, right in front of the children, then you force fed me the rest. (Regular voice) And it wasn't tasteless, he was delicious, you're just picky! (Cut to a picture of the puppet, Phil Buni, with the caption: 'RIP Phil Buni: Before Time Started-2013. Final Words: "Gaaaaa Fuck Florida!"') Jerk (v/o): But all is not well in Rabbit Valley as this "Ger" themed wonderland turns out to be the 2nd happiest brainwashing cult on Earth. David: (To his employer) I'll stay and I'll be the best damn (The curse word shocks the others employers, so they cover their ears, even the Hans the Hare character) darn Hans the Hare there ever was! Jerk: (Pondering) Taste Test! (Pulls out a knife and fork.) (Cut to Roseanne, wearing a sweater that looks like the American flag, is trying to un-brainwash David, who is tied to a chair, wearing parts of the Hans the Hare costume. Roseanne: Rabbits and Geese and Ducks are not people! (Laugh track) They don't sing and dance! (Laugh track) THEY'RE FOOD! David: Ahhhh! (Cut back to the "Home On The Range" interview) Roseanne Barr: And it's the fattest, biggest cow that's ever lived and I'm like..."I'm so excited " You know, it's perfect! Jerk (v/o): I guess the real question is: when you make this kind of parody right after you've earnestly promoted the the real thing, does that make the satire more subversive or less? On the one hand, I genuinely admire how they were able to get their free Disney cake and gluttonously eat it too, but on the other hand... Jerk: 1st of all, it is a little repetitive. I mean, what kind of comedy show devotes that many episodes in a row to nothing but theme park jokes? Seriously?!?! Jerk (v/o): And unfortunately, they just don't do far enough with it. They probably weren't allowed to. I hate to say it, but any scent of real scathing satire was watered down, brought to its knees, and turned disingenuous with a single line of dialogue. (Cut to the end of the episode.) Roseanne: This place (Edelweiss Gardens) wants to be Disney World, but it's just some creepy, fascist copy of it! Roseanne/Jerk: (to a statue of Walt Disney) Wha... did you think...? No...of course not, we would never, we were talking about a totally different rigidly structured, overpriced theme park with walk-around animal characters with alliterative names and a creator, who's rumored to be frozen. (After cutting from the Walt statue, we cut back to see Jerk now has a toy Star Wars blaster being held to his head.) We would never even dream of impugning your wonderful company and it's infinite wisdom to cast us as monsters and cows. To reiterate, we would never ever knock any of your gloriously held values Mr. Disney! (Cut back to the scene with the American flag sweater and David tied to a chair.) Roseanne: We don't whistle while we work! (Cut to a clip from "Saving Mr. Banks") Walt Disney: Damn. (Cut back to the Edelweiss Gardens employees shocked and covering their ears and then cut to Roseanne/Jerk getting shot in the head as we cut to black, a caption reads "One episode later" and we cut to the beginning of the next episode.) Darlene: (Delighted) I'm pregnant! David: How? When? Darlene: Disney World! (Cut to Jerk standing near Winnie the Pooh greeting guests. Jerk is shocked then looks behind him at Pooh. Cut to footage of the recent Winnie the Pooh Disney films.) Winnie The Pooh: (voiced by Jerk a la Keith Richards) Oh, don't be so surprised, mate. Everyone knows I've had more illegitimate cubs than you've had sandwiches! (Chuckles) I don't even bother to wear pants, mate. Jerk: (Disgusted) Please don't call me 'mate.' Pooh: Well, you wanna know something else, luv? Jerk: What else? (Cut to Pooh swimming in honey) Pooh: THIS AIN'T HONEY! Jerk: (Turns around) OH GOD! (Cut back to the "Roseanne" episode.) David: Oh my god, you mean the night after the fireworks? Darlene: Well, either that or it truly is a magic kingdom. (Cut to Jerk dressed as a priest in front of the Walt Disney statue, with religious organ music playing in the background) Reverend Jerk: And low, the Park Angel Goof-riel said unto to the "virgin" (He does air quotes) Darlene, truly this Holy child you bare shall be the only son of Walt (Disney). Thus completing our most convoluted of marketing campaigns and her boyfriend bought it! (We zoom in on Darlene's stomach that shows that inside her is a Mickey Mouse emblem.) Chorus (v/o): (Sings) Hallelujah! (Cut to Jerk at the Disney World parking lot.) Jerk: Finally, that's over. I almost starved to death from lack of cheese there. What's next? (Cut to the opening logo for "Step By Step." Jerk looks angry, then eats a block of swiss cheese.) Bring it! (Cut to the end of part 1 of the "Full House" Disney World episode, with the caption: "To Be Continued...") DJ: MICHELLE! Kimmy: MIchelle! Stephanie: Michelle where are you?!?! (Cut to the end credits, then back to Jerk.) Jerk: And the moral of the story is: Winnie the Pooh really does have a 100 Acre wood! (A hand from offscreen punches Jerk again.) Where's my wallet? (The End) Category:Transcripts Category:Some Jerk With a Camera Transcripts Category:Content Category:Articles that need improvement Category:Guides